HOW TO NAVIGATE THE SOCIAL DYNAMIC: NINON DE L'ENCLOS, BALTASAR GRACIAN, GIOVANNI BOCCACCIO

I could be a philosopher such as the world never knew.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

How you negotiate human behaviour is how you navigate society, and how you navigate society is how you thrive in it.

It seems we’re all feeling a new tension in society between our differences, even our similarities breed confrontation. There seems a need to learn anew how to deal with people, as our prior expectations have expired. In this rational age we think if we were to just know more then things will be better. But we should get better at being able to live with knowing nothing and feeling our way through with some practiced instinct. Not depending so much on knowledge which has always undermined us by new knowledge.

The Post-Modern posturing of moral sensibilities has proved fruitless to reconcile with reality, instead proves to be incongruous with reality enforcing itself upon us as a superimposed idealism. There are many still flying the flag of moral virtues, but as all who want to be recognised as moral people, as Ninon said “Only hypocrites exhibit no defects.“

Reality has always been a sixth sense rather than a common one. Every TV, movie, novel, poem, pop music, or anything else that involves writing, tells of a love that is sentimental, romantic, transcendental with moral purity - but above all, incorrect.

But there were a few that told the truth, and wherever you go you’ll find them considered to be cynical and amoral. These writers are the only ones I trust on the subject. What they say, written across centuries, is consistent with each other and with what behavioural science and psychology says today — only they got there first.

The first, born Anne de l'Enclos, nicked named “Ninon”, better known as Ninon de l'Enclos is possibly the greatest and most timeless female philosopher. Having previously been placed in a convent, at the behest of her mother, a rather conservative religious follower, she was nevertheless educated from a young age by her artistic father who followed quite a contrary philosophy of the Epicurean kind. To pursue pleasure and avoid pain. Of the convent, she left without much delay, to return to Paris to socialise in the artistic circles of the Parisian salons, where she became very popular, before becoming a courtesan to the who’s-who of the wealthy and celebrated of 17th century France. All the men that knew her intimately and those who merely knew of her admired her for her wit, intelligence, her ageless beauty, and her personal charm. Louis XIV called her the marvel of his reign.

She knew her weapons: her beauty, her quick wit, an amusing amiability, an indifference to passions of the heart, a sweet disposition, and a learned intelligence to match her grace. For this she was a flame to every moth of man, and she reigned over every intellectual genius she encountered.

With women it was quite another story. She incited every form of jealousy and hatred in women of all classes. She was ordered to be imprisoned for her practice of her philosophy by Queen Anne of Austria, and later in life she returned to the life of literary salons.

“Women would rather have a little evil said of them than not be talked about at all.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

She occasionally encouraged an emerging Molière with his writing, and helped him rework his play Tartuffe, she gave money to a young boy to buy books who became known as Voltaire, and was a part-time lover of the philosopher François de la Rochefoucauld, whose philosophy on the vanity of humanity she admired very much. The most defining trait of French philosophy is its skepticism. Yet the philosophy of Moliere, Ninon, and de la Rochefoucauld, who all knew each other, was so different to the Renaissance morally introspective philosophy of Michel de Montaigne, and the rational philosophy of Rene Descartes who would more significantly affect the subsequent rational French philosophy. The start of the 17th century is one of the most interesting periods of European culture. It was so grounded in man and society that it was almost a return to Greek sophists and Roman stoics. A disposition in Europe more than anywhere embraced by France and Spain.

It would be demeaning to relate Ninon and her art of love to a Venetian Casanova. But perhaps they share the same Epicurean delight of life. And both encounter Voltaire quite significantly, since Casanova helped Voltaire invent the lottery. She was less of a vagrant than Casanova, who was less of a seducer of women, than a man frequently seduced by love itself. “I don’t conquer, I submit” Casanova. Much in the manner of Tirso de Molina’s Don Juan. Casanova is for comedy; Ninon is a more serious art.

She was a master of the passions of the heart, at both ends of a relationship. Though in today’s world it is not uncommon to ghost a person at the end of an affair. Ninon handled the end of her liaisons with clarity and honesty.

“I am sorry if you still love me, for I have lost my love for you, and though I have found another with whom I am happy, I have not forgotten you…. but do not ask anything from a heart which is no longer disposed in your favour. There is nothing left but the most sincere friendship.”

“My place in your heart will soon be vacant, and I do not doubt that another or even several other women will follow. You will be the first to laugh at the importance with which you treated so silly an affair.”

Throughout her life she refined the philosophy she gained specifically from her father, into a philosophy of her own. Her father held his Epicurean beliefs until his death, but cautioned Ninon to ensure her pleasures were of quality rather than quantity, whilst her mother believed she has lost every virtue of her soul to pleasure.

She lived until ninety, a remarkable feat at the time, and at the age of seventy-five when asked “at what age does the sentiment, passion, or desire of love cease in the female heart?” She replied. “You’ll have to ask someone older than me.”

My second figure, Baltasar Gracián, the disobedient Catalan, was one of the greatest European minds. Arthur Schopenhauer translated his masterpiece The Critic into German calling it “Absolutely unique…a book made for constant use. A companion for life for those who wish to prosper in the great world.” Nietzsche said of it “Europe has never produced anything finer.“

Ninon de l'Enclose and Baltasar Gracián, two inimitable figures of the Baroque period. Born nineteen years apart. The objective of both writers is to not deceive ourselves by the illusion. Both had a perceptive inquisition not merely to human behaviour, but human psychology and motivation, both with an emphasis to thrive in the world rather than enduring it. By thrive, they don’t mean wealth or fame — necessarily — but an enjoyment of life. Neither happiness, nor contentedness, would be the right word, but a kind of maintenance of a pleasure in disposition towards it. To remain joyful and not melancholy, simply through being wise about how you approach life in living with… others.

This isn’t a pessimistic philosophy. In fact Ninon said “humanity has agreed to play a Comedy.” To observe this kind of philosophy in storytelling I would suggest to turn to Giovanni Boccaccio’s Decameron. Boccaccio understood people as they are. Though he was born in Tuscany, and returned reluctantly to Florence, he disliked it. It was the Naples of his youth which he longed to return to which informed his understanding of human behaviour. Naples at the time attracted poets, philosophers, and artists from all over Europe, especially from France. His masterwork Decameron is sometimes called the Human Comedy to parallel it with Dante’s Divine Comedy which Boccaccio was responsible for the title of.

“Perché la vita è brieve “Because life is short

E molte son le pene And many are the pains

Che vivendo e stentando ognun sostiene, That every man bears who lives and stints himself

Dietro alle nostre voglie, Let us go on spending and wasting the years as we will,

Andiam passando e consumando gli anni, For he who deprives himself of pleasure

Ché chi il piacer si toglie Only to live with labour and toil

Per viver con angoscie e con affanni, Does not understand the world’s deceits,

Non conosce gli inganni And what ills and what strange events

Del mondo, o da quai mali Crush almost all mortals.”

E da che strani casi

Oppressi quasi sian tutti i mortali. “ — Niccolò Machiavelli’s play Mandragola

Human nature is contradictory; complex, strategic, intuitively reactive, self interested, cautiously insecure, foolishly headstrong. and feigning expertise whilst making it up as they go along. We live in a world where reality lies beneath appearances. As Boccaccio has one of his characters introduce their story “in our native city where fraud and cunning prosper more than love and loyalty.” Live with others as they are not as we wish them to be.

The Baroque period was a time of corruption. Empires were rising and falling. The British Empire was arising, the Spanish was declining, the French was rebuilding, the Italian was failing, with the exception of Venice. The Baroque had disillusionment about the Renaissance ideals, religion had divided into wars between Protestant and Catholic, yet they didn’t have the attitude of 18th century who became obsessed with Utopianism as a kind of remedy; they didn’t try to remedy it, they just tried to understand it, and live in it. You could easily attach Gracián’s realist views to perspectives found in Machiavelli and Thucydides.

”…men never do good unless necessity drives them to it; but when they are too free to choose and can do just as they please, confusion and disorder become everywhere rampant,“

— Niccolò Machiavelli.

Even Baroque music is shrewd, sharp, intelligent, cautious, prowling. An age that understood that behaviour is a form of negotiation. You don’t get what you deserve. You get what your behaviour negotiates. The Baroque writers lived in corrupted, chaotic, divided times but were able to live in it without succumbing to pessimistic philosophies of utopianism or romanticism, nor the hyper-moralisation of post-modernism. The Enlightenment, The Romantics, the Post-Modernists all had to create an alternate world built out of a deep pessimism that gave birth to their idealism. Those in the Baroque adapted to it, by living through the sensations; an erotic disposition to life, that didn’t suit the rationalism of the 18th century, as well as an intellectual cynicism that didn’t suit the transcendentalism of morality of the 18th century. The Baroque writers had a penetrating insight that was not devoid of a sharp wit, social and solitudious joy, and sensual engagement. To thrive in society, one must understand human nature not idealise it, or you will only lead to disillusionment and conflict, over such misunderstandings. Self-awareness of reality makes life more vivid, the more vivid it is the better it’s managed. Instead of tension, everything becomes a dance. The greatest sign of wisdom is cheerfulness.

PART 1 - from The Letters to the Marquis de Sévigné, is a collection of letters written by Ninon de L'Enclos to the Marquis, was the first honest understanding of attraction since Ovid’s Amores.

“Your heart is without love, and it is trying to make you comprehend its wants. You have really what one calls “the need of loving.” But manage it so that it does not become a passion.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Love is the nourishment of the heart. Are we grateful for the food that cures our hunger, the drink that cures our thirst, even the rest that cures our malady? No, we simply turn indifferently to something else.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Do you wish me to tell you what makes love dangerous? It is the sublime view that one sometimes takes of it. But the exact truth is it is only a blind instinct which one must know how to appreciate. An appetite which you have for one object in preference to another without being able to give the reason for your taste.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“The heart must be occupied with some object. If nature does not incline them in that direction their affection merely changes its object.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Shall I tell you what makes love so dangerous? ‘Tis the too high idea we are apt to form of it.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“What is a dangerous love. I have observed that kind of love. It is a love which occupies the whole soul to the exclusion of every other sentiment and which impels us to sacrifice everything to the object loved.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Accept love for what it is. The more dignity you give it, the more dangerous you make it; the more sublime the idea you form of it, the less correct it is.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“A woman is more influenced by what she feels than by what she is told.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Love is the result of reflection.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“I tell you on behalf of women: there is not one of us who does not prefer a little rough handling to too much consideration… …the more respect he has for our resistance, the more respect we demand from him…”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“To be received with open arms you must be agreeable amusing necessary to the pleasure of others. I warn you that you cannot succeed in any of the manner, particularly with women.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“What women most admire in men in boldness”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

Women for the most part surrender themselves more from weakness than from passion. Hence it is that bold and pushing men succeed better than others, although they are not more loveable.

— François de La Rochefoucauld

“Women are not at their ease except with those who take chances with them and enter into their spirit.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Understand for yourself it is not for yourself that we love you, to speak honestly, it is our own happiness we seek.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“I can scarcely be sincere without slandering my sex a little.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“There is no woman on earth who will treat your heart more cavalierly than the one who is absolutely certain that your love with not fail her.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“I speak of women as they are. I’m very sorry not to be able to speak of them as they should be.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“There are occasions when a woman is less out of humour with you than with herself. She feels vexation that her weakness is ready to betray her at any moment. She punishes you for it and she punishes herself by being unkind to you.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“If she were really indifferent she would be less severe.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“A woman’s resistance is the proof of her experience”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Men fail more through their own clumsiness than succeed by a woman’s virtue"

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Female virtue is just a convenient masculine invention.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Jealousy extinguishes love as ashes extinguish fire.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Jealousy lives upon doubt; and comes to an end or becomes a fury as soon as it passes from doubt to certainty.”

— François de La Rochefoucauld

“Love is extinguished by a resistance too severe or too constant.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“But an intelligent woman goes beyond that, she varies her manner of resisting; this is the sublimity of her art.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“When a passion is extinguished it cannot be relighted without difficulty.“

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“It is impossible to love a second time those whom we have really ceased to love.“

— François de La Rochefoucauld

“Love is never so strong as when you believe it ready to break away in the heat of a quarrel.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Most women do not weep for the loss of a lover to show that they have been loved, so much as to show that they are worth being loved.”

— François de La Rochefoucauld

“Love, to be worthy of the name, and to make us happy, far from being treated as a serious affair, should be fostered lightly, and above all with amusement.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Women often think they love when they do not love. The business of a love affair, the emotion of mind that sentiment induces, the natural bias towards the pleasure of being loved, the difficulty of refusing, persuades them that they have real passion when they have but flirtation.”

— François de La Rochefoucauld

“You are flattered by the Love of a woman because you believe it implies the worthiness of the object loved. You have too good an opinion of yourself. Understand that it is not for yourself that we love you, to speak with sincerity, it is our own happiness we seek.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“You think women love you for yourselves. Pool fools. You are only the instruments of our pleasures. The sport of our caprices.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“It is far more advantageous to possess the qualities agreeable to those whom we desire to please, than to have those we believe to be estimable. “

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“You imagine you are loved because you are lovable but it is only because you are a man.“

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“We need an admirer who can entertain us with the ideas of our perfections; we need an obliging person who will submit to our caprices; we need a man! Chance presenters with one rather than another; we accept him, but we do not choose him.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“A man is given the choice between loving women and understanding them.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“The better you know women, the fewer follies they were lead you to commit.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Manifest less passion and you will excite more in her heart. We do not appreciate the worth of a prize more than when we are on the point of losing it.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“There is no more certain proof of a passion than the efforts made to hide it.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Their interest, therefore, is to have their secret guessed without being compromised. “

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“There is one thing for certain which is that a man will never disappoint a woman who is anxious for him. “

— Ninon de L'Enclos

“Lovers are never tired of each other.”

— François de La Rochefoucauld

“Live, Ninon, life is joyous when it is without sorrow.”

— Ninon de L'Enclos

PART 2. - from El Oráculo Manual y Arte de Prudencia by Baltasar Gracián

“Don’t be the only person to condemn what pleases many. There’s something good about it since it pleases so many, and although it can’t be explained, it’s enjoyed.”

“Know how to appear the fool. The wisest sometimes play this card, and there are times when the greatest knowledge consists in appearing to lack knowledge. You mustn’t be ignorant, just feign ignorance. With fools, being wise counts for little, and similarly, with madmen, being sane: you need to talk to everyone in their own language.”

“Know how to transplant yourself. There are people only valued when they move to other countries, especially in top positions…Anything foreign is valued, either because it comes from a distance or because it’s only encountered perfect and complete.”

“Don’t be hindered by fools. Someone who doesn’t recognise fools is a fool, and an even bigger one is someone who does and doesn’t shun them.”

“Use absence, for either respect or regard. If presence diminishes fame, absence increases it. An individual when absent is taken for a lion; when present…for a mouse.”

“Respect yourself, if you want to be respected.”

“Never act when passions are inflamed. You’ll get everything wrong. You can’t act for yourself when you’re not in control of yourself.”

“Know your lucky star. There is nobody so hopeless that they don’t have one, and if you’re unfortunate, it’s because you don’t know which it is….Know how to follow it, and help it; never swap it or you will wander off-course.”

“Beware of the person who goes in support of someone else’s interest so as to come out achieving their own. It takes someone skilled to catch someone skilful.”

“To live, let live. You should see and hear, but remain silent.”

“Believe your heart, especially when it’s tried and tested. Never contradict it, for it can usually foresee what matters most. It is your private oracle.”

“Differentiate between those who are friends with you, and those who are friends with your position — two very different things.”

“Choose your friends: they should become so after being examined by discretion, tested by fortune, and certified not simply by your will but by your understanding. Although the most important thing in life, it is usually the one over which least care is taken; some are forced upon us, most are the result of pure chance. A person is defined by the friends they have, and the wise never make friends with fools. Few friends are because of you yourself; most because of your good fortune. Make friends by choice, then, not by chance.”

“Never be associated with someone who can cast you in a poor light; whether that’s because they are better or worse than you.”

“Think ahead: today for tomorrow, and even many days ahead. The greatest foresight is to have abundant time for it. For the farsighted, nothing is unexpected; there are no tight spots for those who are prepared.” As Seneca said “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

“Don’t be inaccessible. Nobody is so perfect that they don’t sometimes need advice. Someone who refuses to listen is an incurable fool.”

“Find the good in everything. This is the blessing of those with good taste.”

“Know your unlucky days, for they exist. Nothing will work out right, and even though you change your game, your bad luck will remain. After a few moves, you should recognise bad luck and then withdraw, realising whether it’s your lucky day or not.”

“The wise person should be self-sufficient. One such was all things to himself, and so having himself, he had all things with him…Anyone who can live alone has nothing of the brute about them, but much of the wise person, and everything of God.” Aristotle said “To live alone one must either be a beast or a god.” Nietzsche paraphrased this to add “Ah but there is a third — a philosopher.”

“Don’t hang around to be a setting sun. Sometimes the sun, whilst shining brilliant, goes behind a cloud so no one can see it setting. Know how to turn an ending into a triumph, before being seen to decline.”

“Don’t show all your cards; always leave something in reserve.”

“Things don’t pass for what they are, but for how they appear. Few look within, and many are content with appearances.”

“Real depths make a true person. The interior should be that much better than the exterior in everything. There are individuals who are all façade, like houses left unfinished because the money ran out. They have the entrance of a palace and the interior of a shack.”

“Each individual is born a barbarian, and is saved from being a beast by the acquisition of culture. Culture creates a true person; the more of it, the greater the person.”

“Don’t always be joking. The person who is always joking is never taken seriously.”

“Never lose your self-respect. Even when alone, don’t be too lax with yourself. Let your own integrity be the measure of your rectitude. Owe more to the severity of your own opinion than to external rules. Stop yourself doing something improper, more through fear of your own good sense, than some stern external authority. Stand in fear of yourself.”

“Be a shrewd and observant person. Such people master things so they don’t master them. They plumb the greatest depths and know how to dissect the talents of every individual. As soon as they see someone, they understand and evaluate their very essence. Uniquely perceptive, they can decipher even the most cautious person’s inner self;…they discover, notice, grasp, and understand everything.”

“Choose well. Most things depend on it. It presupposes good taste and judgement. It’s one of the greatest gifts from above.”

PART 3 - from Il Principe by Niccolò Machiavelli

"One should neither have too much trust that they become incautious nor too much suspicion that they become insufferable."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Love is held together by a chain of obligation but broken on every opportunity due to self-interest. But fear is sustained by a dread of punishment."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"When they refrain from committing themselves to you, this is a sign that they think more of themselves than of you."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"People are so controlled by their immediate needs that one who deceives will always be able to find someone able to be deceived."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"What makes him despised is being considered changeable, frivolous, effeminate, cowardly and irresolute. From these qualities, a prince must guard himself as if from a reef; and he must strive to make everyone recognize in his actions greatness, spirit dignity, and strength."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"It is much safer to be feared than loved, when one of the two must be lacking. For one can generally say this about men: they are ungrateful, fickle, simulators and deceivers, avoided of danger, and greedy for gain."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Men are less hesitant about injuring someone who makes himself loved then one who makes himself feared, because love is held together by a chain of obligation that since men are a wretched lot is broken on every occasion for their own self-interest; but fear is sustained by a dread of punishment that will never abandon you."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Since men love at their own pleasure but fear at the pleasure of the prince, the wise prince should build his fooundation upon that which is his own, not that which belongs to others; Only he must avoid being hated."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"A man who wishes to profess goodness at all times will come to ruin amongst so many who are not good. Therefore, it is necessary for a prince who wishes to maintain himself to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge or not use it according to necessity."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"If men were all good, the precept would not be good. But since men are a wicked lot, and will not keep their promises to you, you likewise need not keep yours to them."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Men always turn out bad for you, unless some necessity makes them act well."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"And so it is necessary that he should have a mind ready to turn itself accordingly to the way the winds of Fortune and the changing circumstance command him. And, as I said above, he should not depart from the good if it is possible to do so, but he should know how to enter into evil when forced by necessity."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"The prince who relies solely on Fortune will come to ruin as soon as she changes... The man who adapts his method of procedure to the nature of the times will prosper."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"I therefore conclude that since fortune varies and men remain obstinate no ways men prosper when the two are in harmony and failed to prosper when they are not in accord. I certainly believe this, that it is better to be impetuous than cautious because fortune is a woman and if you want to keep her under it is necessary to beat her and force her down. It is clear that she more often allows herself to be won over by impetuous men than by those who proceed coldly. And so like a woman fortune is always the friend of young men for they are less cautious, more ferocious, and command her with more audacity."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"In examining their deeds and lives, one can see that they received nothing from Fortune except opportunity, which gave them the material they could mould into whatever form they liked. Without that opportunity the strength of their spirit would have been exhausted, and without that strength, the error opportunity would have come in vain."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"If they are forced to beg for help or are able to employ force in conducting their affairs. In the first case, they always come to a bad end and never accomplish anything. But when they depend on their own resources and use force, then only seldom do they run the risk of grave danger."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Only those defences that depend on you yourself and on your own virtue are good, certain, and lasting."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"These opportunities made these men successful, and their outstanding virtue enabled them to recognise that opportunity."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"War cannot be avoided but only postponed to the advantage of others."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"On the contrary he should recognise that they will all be risky for we find this to be in the order of things that whenever we try to avoid one disadvantage we run into another. Prudence consists in knowing how to recognize the nature of disadvantages and how to choose the least sorry one as good."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"One should attain such a reputation for excellence that to oppose you would be a risky and difficult undertaking."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Any harm done to a man must be of a kind that removes any fear of revenge."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Once evils are recognised ahead of time, they may be easily cured; but if you wait for them to come upon you, the medicine will be too late, because the disease will have become incurable."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Anyone who is the cause of another becoming powerful comes to ruin himself."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"Men generally judge more by their eyes than their hands: everyone can see, but few can feel. Everyone sees what you seem to be, few can feel what you are, and those few do not dare to contradict the opinion of the many who have the majesty of the state to defend them.... For ordinary people are always taken in by appearances and by the outcome of an event. And in the world there are only ordinary people, and the few have no place."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe

"A prince who is not wise on his own cannot be well advised."

— Niccolò Machiavelli, Il Principe